Switching Stations: Wilma Wants an Abortion

Warning: This post discusses adult themes in an admittedly childish way.

(Lights up. An Empty stage; enter Fred Flintstone)

Fred: When Wilma got pregnant, I worried. I wondered if we were ready for a kid so soon after Wilma’s ECT. I wondered if it wouldn’t be better to go to Frost Bite Falls for an abortion.

(Laugh Track)

Wilma: (off stage) Fred? Fred? Is that you?

Fred: Here, honey!

(Enter Wilma)

Wilma: Oh Fred! Why are you so late! (Wilma bursts into tears.)

(Laugh Track)

Fred: Gee honey, the boss kept me late.

Wilma: (sobs) I sometimes think I should have an abortion!

Fred: Oh honey; don’t talk like that. What would Betty think?

Wilma: Oh, who cares what Betty thinks! (sobs) She’s not under a
contract to have to have a baby!

(Laugh Track)

(The doorbell rings. Enter Mr. Ed)

Mr. Ed: I was just at a meetin’ wit da Mattel’s an deys wanna know if the kid’ll be baked by Christmas!

(Laugh Track)

Wilma: Who the fuck are you?

(Laugh Track)

Mr. Ed: (To Fred) You gotta live wid this?

(Laugh Track)

(Enter Betty Rubble)

Betty:  Hi Wilma? Fred? Who’s the Horse? Hubba, hubba!

Wilma:  Hi Betty. This horsey works for the Mattel’s!

Mr. Ed: (to Betty) Mr. Ed is my name an makin’ pretty ladies is my game!

Betty: Pleased t’ meetcha! I sure hope you folks can cash in with Bam-Bam!

(Laugh Track)

(Lights Out. We hear the voices of Batman and Robin)

Robin: Holy stegosaurus, Batman! Ya really think you smell trouble?

Batman: Think young friend: does a horse shit in a meadow?

(Lights up: Betty and Wilma are locked in a kiss

Robin: Tsk. I am so OVER gratuitous lesbianism; I mean the way the writers slip it into everything these days!

Batman: Oh, SPLACK!

Mr. Ed: Cool yer chops Batty boy!

Robin: (To Mr. Ed.)  And MUFF!

Mr. Ed: And tell lover bird to stop chirpin!

Batman: (Hands on hips) He’s NOT my lover!

Wilma: Oh, pish-posh!

Betty: That’s telling him, Wilma!

(Laugh Track)

(Enter Eva Gabor; she spots Mr. Ed and points with recognition)

Eva Gabor: I know you!

Batman: I bet you do, lady!

Eva Gabor: That’s precisely what I mean!

(Enter Eddy Albert)

Eddy Albert: What is you mean precisely?

Batman:  Precisely?

Eddy Albert: Precisely!

Eva Gabor: Why precisely do you ask, Olivah?

Betty: (To Wilma) Oh Wilma! Aren’t Heterosexuals the most boring! Let’s get outta here!

Wilma: I’m with you Betty! Let’s have an abortion!

Betty and Wilma in unison: Da-da da da de da! Charrrge it! (They exit)

Batman: Our work here is done, Robin.

Robin: Right, Batman! (They exit with a swish of their capes)

(Enter Fred Ziffel)

Fred Ziffel: Mr. Douglas! Arnold’s feelin’ mighty sick! I’d sure appreciate it if you’d come over and take a look at him!

Eddie Albert: I’m a lawyer, not a doctor.

Eva Gabor: You can help him make out his vill, dahling!

Eddie Albert: Oh, All Right! (Mr. Ziffel and Eva Gabor exit with Eddie Albert)

(Pause)

Fred Flintstone: (Looks at Mr. Ed and shrugs) I guess it’s time for me to take out the cat. (Fred Flintstone exits. Mr. Ed alone on the stage)

(Enter Wilber Post)

Wilber Post: There you are, Ed. I looked all over New York for you! I even called the police!

Mr. Ed: Well ya found me, Wilber. Ya got any of that hay left over from Thanksgiving?

Wilber Post: Sure Do!

(Wilbur post leads Mr. Ed off stage.  As the lights dim to black the laugh track builds to a roar)

An avatar that represents an alternate named the Narrator in front of street murals found on Valencia Street in San Francisco
Switching Stations

End

(c) Rob Goldstein 12/86 – 12/2017 All Graphics (c) Rob  Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

Switching Stations – Reruns

This was published a few days ago as La-De-Da etc; a title I despised.
I’m posting out of sync with myself which means I have to go back and
revise things after they’re live; my apologies for the confusion.

(Lights up; we are aboard the Starship Enterprise.)

Eddie Albert:  When I agreed to Green Acres, I said to the writers, no livestock; well they paid no attention and wouldn’t ya know the first thing they did-

Eva Gabor: Dahling, you promised not to trash Arnold.

Batman: Was it 1968–or 69 (Laugh track) when Playboy published that filthy article about the homoerotic implications of my relationship with Dick?  As if I would subject little Dick Grayson to a bat-grope!

Eddie Albert: In the very first script was a pig that was smarter than me! Not only was it smarter; that pig was loved!

Eva Gabor: I love you Oliver. (Laugh Track)

Eddie Albert: Lisa, it’s not the same!

Eva Gabor: How is it different Dahling?

Robin: At first I was clumsy on the bat pole (laugh track) but after a few lessons I was ready to jump that stick all day! (Laugh Track)

Batman: Now cut that out! (Laugh track)

Robin: Horny Norwegian wood, Batman! What’d I say? (Pause)  So, I arrive at Wayne Manor and Bruce gives me a cape!

Batman: Not any old cape, Robin!

Robin: That’s right, Batman! It was cute and yellow and stopped just short of my tight but straight little butt! (Laugh Track)

Eddie Albert: That pig was not only smarter than me! He made more money! Just thinking about it makes me–

Eva Gabor:  Let’s go to Rome, Dahling.

Eva Gabor: We don’t have that kind of money, Lisa.  For God’s sake, look at this ship!

Eva Gabor: Ve can go back to Manhattan, Dahling. You can practice law.

(Enter Arnold the Pig.)

Robin: (stunned by Arnold) Holy heart failure, Batman!

Arnold the Pig: GRUNT!

Eva Gabor: (To Arnold) He didn’t get his hotscakes this morning and he’s a perfect beast, no offense, dahling.

Arnold the Pig:  (leaps onto a chair and looks up at Eva.) GRUNT!

Eva Gabor: There Dahling.  (Eva switches on a television and we hear the five beat introduction to Green Acres. Eva suddenly notices Batman and Robin.) Who are you? (To Eddie Albert) Olivah? Who are zey?

Eddie Albert:  Say, are you fellows gay? These are the 60’s. You can’t wear tights until the 80’s.

Batman: Now hold on!

Robin: Holy harshin, Mr. Douglas!

Eva Gabor: They look like such nice boys! Do stay and have some hotscakes!

Batman: (With a slight Southern drawl) We’d like to Mrs. Douglas, but we got to get Arnold home and dressed in time for the weddin’.

Eddie Arnold: Weddin’? WHAT WEDDIN’?

Arnold the Pig: (Jumps up and saunters over to Batman) GRUNT?

Eva Gabor: Arnold’s getting married to Jethrine up in Oxford. (Eva flirts with Batman and Robin)  Those capes are darling, Olivah, why don’t you wear a cape?

Eddie Albert: I’m not gay, Lisa.

Eva Gabor: Are you sure, dahling?

Robin: Well, we’ll be seeinya Mrs. Douglas. C’mon Arnold.

Arnold the Pig. (To Eddie Albert) HA! – GRUNT!

(Lights out)

(c) Rob Goldstein 2017 All Rights Reserved

 

Next Week:

 

The Attack of the Hank Kimballs

A virtual reality shot depicting Lisa and Oliver Douglas from Green Acres under attack on the Starship Enterprise by the Hank Kimballs
Lisa and Oliver are thrown from their hay stacks after the Hank Kimballs launch a series of photon digressions.

The Hank Kimballs: Gee Mr. Douglas–resistance is futile. Well maybe not futile…more like frustrating…or at least difficult. I would say more than difficult but less than frustrating but not so frustrating as to be futile–say! Maybe resistance IS futile.

20 Marketing Tips for New Authors

This is a good read for all authors, new and not so new…:)

Watching the Daisies

The day your first book is published is incredibly exciting, but you now have to market and sell it…

“20 Marketing Tips for New Authors” is based on my own steep learning curve. The majority of these tips are FREE.

Begin with an E-Book

Consider having e-book format only for a few months. This will allow you to gatherreviews which you can include on the inside cover of your print copies.

It is also well worth investing in a good book cover. It will pay dividends.

I launched “Watching the Daisies” on 14th November 2016 with Amazon Kindle, and enrolled in KDP Select for six months – to create free deals and Kindle countdowns.

On 12th April 2017, I launched my print copies on Amazon’s CreateSpace. When my six months had expired with KDP Select, I distributed “Watching the Daisies” to all the other major online bookstores via

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“Speak In Tongues”

from James Writes

James Writes

I ain’t ever speak in tongues, but I know the Holy Spirit’s out there.

I ain’t ever seen the light, but I’m sure there’s a place up there I’m not allowed into.

I ain’t ever see eye-to-eye with God, but I’m pretty sure He’s laughing at my naivety.

I ain’t ever seen the Devil, but I’m sure he’s constantly seeing me.

I ain’t ever seen fire and brimstone, but I’m sure it’ll be the first thing I see when my eyes finally don’t open.

I ain’t ever really gotten along with my family, but I know they’re here for me.

I ain’t ever been loved, but I’m sure people will claim they love me.

I ain’t ever really feel comfortable around friends, but I’ll keep pretending like I do.

I ain’t ever really give a fuck about myself, but I’m sure I’ll learn how to.

I ain’t ever miss that…

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